What We Risk When We Say No: and Why Anxiety Makes It Feel Riskier

Written by student therapist Sarah Kratzer

Discomfort around setting boundaries is natural. 

Humans are social creatures. From infancy, we depend on our relationships for survival, and we grow up striving to remain (and have good standing) in our social groups. 

Feeling “othered” from a group is such an unfavored outcome that our brains are wired against it: the same region of the brain that registers physical pain lights up when we are socially excluded (Eisenberger et al., 2003).

That explains why setting boundaries can feel so scary.

If you have anxiety, boundary-setting may feel even more uncomfortable. 

That’s less because you fear social rejection more than the average person does, and more because you anticipate social rejection more than the average person would. 

For context: generalized anxiety disorder is often characterized by a low tolerance for uncertainty (Dugas et al., 2025).

Setting a boundary opens the door to uncertainty. How will the other person react? What are the odds I’ll mess something up? What happens if setting this boundary hurts the relationship for good?

When you have anxiety, you’re likely to decide that the personal discomfort of your (unspoken) boundaries being breached is better than the stress of not knowing what might happen if you set a boundary. 

If you don’t know how someone will react to your boundaries, what should you do?

Objective: Learn that you can tolerate the anxiety that comes with setting a boundary. 

Step 1: Set small boundaries first, bigger boundaries later. 

Start with: “I can’t help today, but I can help on Saturday.” 

Then: “I don’t have the bandwidth for that.”

Then: “No, I can’t do that.”

Making the boundary-setting process gradual has two benefits: it will be gentler on the other person in the relationship, and it will train your brain that setting a boundary ≠ putting intolerable strain on the relationship.

Step 2: After you set a boundary, do nothing. 

You may set your boundary and immediately wonder, Do I need to explain? Did that come off as rude? Should I make a concession? 

Be present with those anxious feelings, but don’t act on them in the moment. Let the anxiety recede on its own. You could say to yourself, I am nervous about that boundary I set, but I was respectful to the other person. I took good care of myself.

You may find the most success with this step if you can set your boundaries while not in person. If someone asks you directly to do something you don’t want to do, consider responding with, “Can I get back to you on that?” Follow up when you say you will with a text, email, or other medium that gives you more time to react. 

What about a situation where you KNOW a person will react negatively to your boundaries?

Objective: Learn where your responsibility stops and the other person’s begins.

If you are respectful and considerate of the other person, you have done everything that can be reasonably expected of you. Their reaction is up to them.

Your job: Separate “they’re unhappy” from “I did something wrong.” 

Someone can feel disappointed, surprised, annoyed, or inconvenienced without you having mistreated them. Their negative emotions are not inherent proof that your boundary is wrong. 

Caveat: boundaries are not a license to be uncaring or inconsiderate. You can be thoughtful about the experience of others while making sure your own needs are met <3

Remember: boundary-setting is a skill, and it can be learned!

Your therapist can help you practice “assertiveness” by role-playing situations that have breached your boundaries in the past. Ask about it the next time you see them.